Let’s face it folks: whether is your professional or personal life we all struggle with being a bit too much judgmental at times, criticism and inevitably struggling with conflicts.
That’s nothing new right? Just part of being a human being I guess.. the point is: can we improve at this?
Is there anything we can systematically use to be better humans managing conflicts peacefully and building better healthy teams or just better environments?
Well, the good news is: yes! Otherwise, I would not be here writing about it!
Last summer I started reading a book called “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg and this reading helped me in understanding better myself and consequently understanding better others.
Just a brief introduction:
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a needs/values-based framework that can be used to constructively and peacefully resolve conflicts.
An expert said: “NVC is a perspective in which you can use language in being clear with yourself and with other people — what you think, feel, and, believe, what needs you’re attending to at any moment.”
Yes folks I want you to stop here and read this again: “what needs you’re attending to at any moment.”
The key here is your needs.
The reason why we easily judge, criticise, and express anger towards others is simply that somewhere down the line we have an unmet need.
I know you are thinking this is too easy to be true or it’s too obvious but I assure you that when start looking at things from this side of the moon everything gets clearer.
Ok, then how can I be sure that my needs are heard so I don’t fall into the trap of criticism, judgment and expression of anger? I am glad you asked.
You could learn to practice non-violent communication.
NVC endeavours to improve the connection and relationship between parties. The framework entails empathetically listening and honestly expressing. Building on those principles, it utilises four language components:
Observations: Without any judgment, observe what others are doing that you like or do not like.
Feelings: Say how you feel when you observe this action.
Needs: State the important needs that are connected to those feelings.
Requests: Make a specific request that might help attend to those needs.
Ok, but how it sounds in practice?
[observation]
I can see that you are texting on your phone while I am speaking to you.
[feelings]
I feel frustated,
[needs]
and I need to be considered
[request]
Would you be willing to put your phone away for the next 10 minutes and hear what I have to say?
How nice this sounds eh? ;)
Let’s see now an example in a work setting.
In a professional setup, misunderstanding and miscommunication can lead to conflict. Often, the conflict gets expressed as a difference of opinion. NVC can be a helpful, peacemaking way to work through that difference and get aligned.
For example, let’s imagine a situation in which I and my colleague have different strategies for presenting an idea for a workshop. He proposes a PowerPoint presentation, while I prefer to give a speech or have storytelling about it.
If you analyse this situation from the outside, both parties are coming from the same place: contribution but with different strategies.
Once we will get on the same page to clarify what our basic need is, the contributions and the meaning we want to convey, then we will figure out a strategy that’ll work for both of us.
NVC encourages taking responsibility for feelings rather than placing blame.
For instance, I might say,
“I need clarity because I don’t understand the necessity of a PowerPoint to get our meaning across. I want our company to be able to participate in the discussion and I want more information about whether the PowerPoint will allow them to do that. I also don’t want to spend the valuable time we could be spending elsewhere on making a time-consuming PowerPoint. Can you please explain to me your thoughts on why a PowerPoint is necessary?”
Making one’s internal thoughts, needs, or boundaries external in this way helps clear a path to stronger communication and understanding.
Some ideas to try at work:
Ask for more information, creating an opportunity to listen and have an open discussion
Focus on concrete data and facts, while open to listening and understanding
Allow for different perspectives and work toward mutual understanding
So wrapping up, I encourage you to read the book and start practising NVC in your everyday life and hopefully at work as well.
The biggest game changer for me has been to acknowledge that some people might have been hurt or treated improperly and their needs not met at all, so I started paying more attention to this aspect and being more compassionate.
What did I learn about myself? Every time I find myself criticising or judging someone or something I ask myself: what’s my need here?
Thanks for reading!